Sometimes, I would go around our backyard and dig the soil and bury myself. Thinking and fully concentrating that I am a potato. Kidding.
Whenever I have a time of being alone or what they usually call a “me time.” I would usually drown myself with thoughts so consuming that I explored beyond the boundaries of probabilities of what could have turn my life put to be.
I am not really against or I abhor the life I am in today or state I am into. But oh well let us all be honest, most of us does not like how shitty reality is.
So setting that truth aside, I usually daydream and explore other set of realities what I call them. Like choices for instance!
Everyday we are given a set of choices that we will be doing the rest of the day.
For instance, would I go to school and attend my class or yeet myself of somewhere?
These damn choices that always end up not good in many ways. I mean I know of course that we should pick the fucking right one. But then again, like a ripple effect repercussions over one another keeps coming.
What I realized and occured to me is that we are living in a world where there really is no choice out there. We are living in a time where the saying “well fuck it let’s do this shit instead” goes.
We hold what may happen tomorrow and you can’t blame anyone for that.
You are the captain of your ship and the master of your soul as the saying goes.
after the insects have made their claim,
after the foxes have known our taste,
after the raven has had its say,
I’ll be home with you —
In a Week, Hozier feat. Karen Cowley
Soon our skin,
will turn thick,
as time claims,
our last days,
yet the idea,
of gaining wisdom,
as they say,
goes along with limitations,
of being immobile,
like a created craft,
built through time,
to attain perfection,
as it was before,
so what’s the difference?
will grow cold,
be laid to rest,
under the ground,
where it should,
and don’t you worry—
for they won’t.
It’s been a year since I had what I call one of those episodes in my life where impulsively I do things out of the moment.
For me, it is normal wherein I constantly think of doing it.
For a while I am quite happy that I have gone a long way somehow lasting a year and still breathing after that time.
It’s just. I can say it’s not that strong anymore but it is still there constantly reminding and knocking.
Meanwhile, I am trying to remind myself of all the positivity that I have stumbled into.
Like meeting new people. Seriously like lots of people because being an “irregular” student is the reality of this one. You’ll be leaving old faces and welcoming new ones.
Another one, I was able to read new novels! How cool right?
I mean I could probably just sit in a corner and flip pages.
Life won’t be easy I know. It will constantly throw shits at you and you don’t have a choice but to welcome it.
I can barely say,
without letting off,
a goofy grin,
stern and firm,
get off this high horse,
this imaginary ride,
and walk the reality.
I have never been,
to these vessels,
that share the same,
characteristics of mine,
how I melt,
as your eyes became small,
that drunk look,
whenever you laugh,
that damn chuckle,
my calm soul.
You breathe air,
To keep yourself alive,
Is this a dare,
How long will you survive?
You try to break,
The shackles you’ve made,
But will you take,
The memories laid?
The coldness creeps in,
as you walk an empty road,
and the deafening silence fills over,
you realize how alone you are,
in this madness,
that you call reality,
how you manage,
to live and breathe,
when everything around,
everyone you know,
has long forgotten,
who you are,
the fraction of existence,
you once had,
the district sleeps alone tonight,
and so are you,
waiting for another day,
to pass by,
and continue the loop,
of an endless,
I find myself amusing sometimes.
I tend to comfort people I know when they feel down or depressed for some reason and yet here I am also needing a repair but usually wave off every attempt to even help me.
I don’t know but for some reason I don’t feel like believing some words from someone I an acquianted with or even a person I don’t know could get me the satisfaction of making me feel like everything will be fine but in reality it is not.
I mean I do get that it is good to have someone to talk and vent out emotions filled inside a bottle to ease the pain you have been holding because I usually do that to few people talk to them if they are in this situation.
On the other hand, when it gets to be me on the spot who needed the so called “help” or even a slight attention, meh don’t tell me what to do about my life because truthfully I don’t even know what the fuck is really going on.
I don’t even remember having dream these days that for some reason I feel like a part of me is missing and has changed but I can’t tell.
A lot has changed and been done.
I wasn’t the me I used to be and I can’t even tell if these changes would do me good or who knows?
Let’s see how long I’ll be able to keep up with this life until I fully caved in or a I might cope up and lived on which I have been doing recently.